Rushing and stumbling about in the pre-dawn; stubbing my toes on the door frame to spit the welling spring in my mouth.

What a relief!

While coupling toothpaste and toothbrush I'm wondering: what's causing this upset stomach.

Back to bed where I have my devotion and continue reading my book.

Guess I went back to sleep 'cause I'm wide awake again and off to a running start again to the bathroom.

No great fan of soda but I'm scrounging the fridge for Pepsi as I've used it before to settle my stomach.

And what do you know there's only Coca-Cola.

Bottoms up right.

It's quarter past 9 and I'm yet to have breakfast while yesterday at this time I was having my second sandwich of the day.

What Type of Mood is This

Everything frustrates and annoys me today.

• Computer slow to boot.
• Word processing app won't open.
• Can't find the right color thread to tighten a loose button.
• Someone just out of the shower and the steam and soap combines to have my mouth filling with water again.
• Find a close-enough color thread and now the needle is broken. 

You guessed it. I tossed everything!

And ran.

Nothing but saliva.

All these serve to lengthen my To-do list, heighten my anxiety and that pisses me off!

Note: I'm not quick to anger. It takes a looooong time to get me mad.

But, I'm there and raring to go.

Hormones After Miscarriage

The doctor said the hormones would be in my body for two weeks, but it's been about eight weeks and even though:

• I have almost no cravings. 
• Have grown more body and facial hair. Yucky....
• Still discharging milk.
• Swelling feet in my feet have totally disappeared.
• Excessively dry legs is on their way to recovery.

I think I'm alright because: I've had a normal period,

• no weird odors or discharges,
• body and facial hair growth rate have decreased,
• and no weird cravings at all

But now I'm wondering what's causing this upheaval in my body.

At the end of  August, I had my third miscarriage.

Two weeks shy of finding out if we were having a boy or a girl.

This was my longest pregnancy to date and the most fun, hopeful, frightening, overjoyed, supportive and heartbreaking.

As a result:

• There are days when I don't want to get out of bed
• Don't want to talk to anyone
• There are times that as soon as I'm unoccupied I cry and chant in my mind, "I want my baby, I want my baby, I want my baby".
• There are also times whether I'm doing something or not I start to cry and chant,  "I want my baby, I want my baby, I want my baby".
• Don't want to do anything at all. Not even to read and if you know me, you'll know that that's rarer than hen's teeth and a chicken in a push-up bra.

Am I Pregnant Again

Am I pregnant again or is it just something else?

When my BF was leaving for work this morning I clung to him and cried.

What for?

No other reason than I felt like it.

So I did.

Conclusion 

• I went to the beach 
• don't cry
• laugh 
• make mischief 
• grateful for my experience 
• trying a new hairstyle
• thankful for being alive 
• and hopeful to one day make a child of my own.

I know I'm not crazy.

Only heartbroken.

And I believe I'm handling my grief much better than I expected.

Thanks to the love and support from my BF, family, and friends who are doing their damnedest to make me laugh, feel loved and appreciated and of course hopeful.

Thanks babe for giving me, Faith.